Flashbacks
by soul-wanderer94
Summary: "The team gets a case that reminds Ziva too much about Somalia. She excuses herself to the bathroom and when Tony gets in there he is shocked by what he sees." - a requested Tiva one-shot!
1. Chapter 1

**I finally managed to at least finishe the requested one-shot and I have to say the plot really caught my attention from the first second and writing it broke my heart but I also really grew to love this story. I wish I could've wrote a multi-chapter story but at first I have to finish Troubled.  
Let me know what you think & how you feel about this one and enjoy reading 3  
PS: Most of the time I listened to Comes & Goes by Greg Laswell**

* * *

"This is awful. Whoever this was he must've been really sick and disgusting." Tony vocalized the thoughts the whole team was thinking as well.  
They just headed back to the Navy yard from the crime scene of their latest case and everyone was still shocked from what they've just seen.  
"Abby is already looking through the evidence bags and runs some tests and will hopefully find something helpful." McGee was trying to think straight and clear even though the situation distressed him as well.  
Their get-together was interrupted by Gibbs phone ringing, telling him that Ducky has found something he wanted to show him.  
"You can start looking through the pictures we made at the crime scene. Maybe you find something conspicuous on them." Gibbs shouted before getting into the elevator and leaving for the autopsy.  
McGee went over to his desk to get the pictures on the big screen to have a better view on them.  
It was only then that Tony noticed that Ziva was unusual quiet since they left for the crime scene. She hasn't spoken a word during their whole way back and now she still remained silent most of the time.  
But Tony knew why this was. He knew that she must be internal agitated and troubled. This case brought up the memories of Somalia. He never found out what exactly had happened but from what he has seen it must've been traumatizing and it was haunting him as well. Especially when they were confronted with a similar situation. And he desperately hoped that Ziva was going to be ok, even though something told him she wouldn't.  
They saw pictures of countless bruises and wounds on the victim as well as signs of the deathly electrocution.  
And this picture was the final kick. Ziva turned away from the screen and hastily walked towards the restroom.  
For a brief moment Tony pondered what to do but he quickly decided to follow her. He couldn't stand the thought of leaving her alone in this situation.

When he arrived at the restroom he gently entered it and he was greeted by a choking sound. The pictures must have made Ziva physically sick and her body was reacting in the worst way.  
Hearing her throwing up broke Tony's heart immediately, he never wanted her to be in pain like this.  
He slowly approached the cabin she was in and started talking to her in a soft tone to not startle her too much.  
"Hey Zeev. I'm here if you need me." He paused a moment before he continued speaking. "I know this must be hard on you."  
In this moment he heard tiny sobs from the inside of the cabin and he decided to sit down on the ground in front of it to talk to her.  
"I know you never talked about it but I've seen enough to know that it must've been unbearable. And I wish I could help you somehow." He thought about his words and hoped she would hear them.

The next sound he heard was the sound of the door being unlocked. And what he saw broke his heart even more.  
Ziva was sitting on the ground as well, her pale face covered in tears while her whole frame was shaking.  
He immediately sat down next to her and pulled her into a tight embrace.  
"Shh, it's ok Ziva. Let it out. I'm here, ok?" Tony was trying to soothe her by gently running his hand up and down her back.  
Ziva tried to calm her breath and get out a reply but when she started talking her answer was interrupted by tiny sobs in between the words.  
"No. It's not ok. I hate feeling weak. This is not me." Tony thought about her words before looking at her intently to make sure she saw the sincerity in his eyes when he replied.  
"Listen to me Ziva; you are one of the strongest persons I know. And there's nothing wrong about letting out your emotions. You hold them back for so long and it's good that you show them now." He cupped one of her cheeks gently before adding "I'm glad it finally comes out. And you are not alone, ok? Never."  
His words had touched her and further tears where rolling down her cheeks but Tony wiped them away before they could finally fall down.  
The next thing she brought out was a 'Thank you' and it came out barely above a whisper and still choked from the tears.  
"I'm your partner Ziva, and that's what partners do. You don't need to thank me."  
And when Tony said that she knew that his statement wasn't only about being partners and this thought warmed her heart even though her petite frame was still shaking from all the emotions raging inside of her.  
Tony felt the new trembles racing through Ziva's body and instinctively pulled her closer to calm her down and a comfortable silence fell between them for a while.

"You _do_ help me Tony." Ziva brought out between her abating sobs.  
She looked at him, her eyes still teary and red from all the crying, to show him how grateful she was to have him in her life.  
He didn't know what to reply because he was so overwhelmed by her statement.  
Instead of an answer he leaned down to her and pressed a gentle kiss on her forehead and when his lips touched her soft skin she closed her eyes and leaned into their embrace once more.  
There they were, sitting on the cold floor of the restroom and they both knew there was a long way ahead of them and there were so many things still left unsaid but Ziva also knew that she could trust Tony more than anyone else. In this moment she knew that he wouldn't run away from the painful truth of her past and that's when a profound peace overtook her body for the first time in months and it was a liberating feeling.  
With Tony she was ok, with Tony everything seemed to be a little better.  
With him she had a future ahead.


	2. Chapter 2

**So, it's been quite a while since I first published this one-shot and I told you that I might continue writing it, sooo...here I am.  
There's actually only one thing to say: This chapter might be triggering, but I approached this subject carefully and used my psychological/medical knowledge and know what I'm writing about.  
And now enjoy reading and tell me what you think!  
**

* * *

It was already late when she found herself sitting in his car while they drove to her apartment.  
He had insisted on coming with her, telling her that he didn't want her to be alone after this rough case that had triggered her so much.  
And if she was being honest she was glad he was with her. Of course she would never admit that to anyone, but it was a good feeling after all.  
She could also sense that something was on his mind throughout the whole drive and couldn't help but thinking that it was about the latest events.  
When they finally arrived, Tony pulled into a parking lot in front of her apartment and pulled Ziva gently out of her thoughts and managed to make eye contact with her, since she had been staring out of the window for the past 20 minutes.  
"Hey, let's get up to your apartment, ok?" Tony told her softly before getting out of the car.

Once Ziva had opened her door they both took off their coats and Ziva went straight to the couch while Tony went to the kitchen to prepare them some tea.  
When he came back he found her sitting on the edge of the couch, staring into the air, seemingly lost in her thoughts again.  
And it worried him. He had barely seen her this distraught and he also knew they needed to talk. He couldn't hide his concern from her any longer.

Tony sat down next to her quietly, placed the cups on the table in front of them and looked over at her intently, trying to understand what was going on inside of her.  
"Does it happen a lot?" He finally asked a little insecure, knowing his question would cause an immediate reaction from her.  
Ziva knew what he was referring to. When he found her earlier she knew he would eventually ask this question.  
She took a shuddering breath and tried to compose herself before actually answering him.  
He deserved to know the truth, especially since he had always had her back.

"Actually…yes. It started after we returned from Somalia." She looked down and fiddled with her fingers in a nervous manner.  
Tony noticed how uncomfortable she felt and took her hands in his to calm her down a little, even though she was hesitant at first.  
The next thing he noticed was the look of her fingers. Especially her ring and middle fingers. They looked slightly swollen and tiny scars were covering them.

"Why do you hurt yourself Ziva?" He whispered and she knew that it pained him to see her hands. To find out about the truth.  
"I don't know Tony." She brought out, the tears already pooling in the corners of her eyes. "I guess it's my way of coping with the pain. My way of retaining control. I felt so weak, so helpless after all that happened in Somalia. At first it happened involuntarily, but after a few weeks…I started doing it on purpose. And now this is out of control as well."  
Voicing her desperation caused the tears to finally stream down her face silently but steady.  
Tony instinctively pulled her into a hug again, careful to not startle her too much, but enough to make her feel safe.  
He still couldn't quite realize in how much pain she must've been to destroy her own body like this, even though he knew it was a possible side-effect of PTSD.

"Hey, don't feel guilty for this, ok? None of this was or is your fault, but Ziva, can you promise me one thing?"  
Ziva looked up at him and nodded slightly before he continued speaking.  
"Please try to stop throwing up. You don't need to do this anymore. I will be right here to help you get through this. But please talk to me instead of coping with the past like this, ok? Can you do this? For me and for yourself?"

It took her a moment to take in Tony's words but after taking another deep breath she finally answered him.  
"I do not want this either Tony, believe me. But it's not that easy, you know? I'm afraid. But I will try it. I want to try it. I just don't want to be a burden."  
Tony knew that some things about Ziva would never change. Like the constant fear of being a burden.

"Listen, you aren't a burden to anyone, ok? I told you I would be with you. I care about you Ziva, that's why I want to help you. I want you to be happy again. So, do we have a deal?"  
By the end of his little speech he was smiling at her softly in order to lighten the mood.  
Ziva on the other hand was overwhelmed by Tony's words and at the same time she felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.  
"Yes." She finally replied, the small smile on her lips perfectly matching Tony's.  
And Tony could settle on this answer for now.  
Everything else would come in time.  
And he was ready to fight.  
For her.


End file.
